Friendship is a health habit too

When we think about health habits, we picture vegetables, workouts and a good night’s sleep. Calling a friend rarely makes the list. It should. The research on social connection is some of the most striking in public health.

The evidence

In 2010, psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad and colleagues combined data from 148 studies that together followed more than 300,000 people for an average of about seven and a half years. People with stronger social relationships were about 50 percent more likely to be alive at the end of the study periods than those with weaker ties. The authors noted that the size of the effect was comparable to well-known risk factors such as smoking and excess alcohol use.

Studies like these are observational, so they cannot prove that friendship itself is the cause. Healthier people may find it easier to stay social. But the link holds up after accounting for age, health status and other factors, and there are plausible reasons for it. People with close ties tend to manage stress better, sleep better, and get nudged toward medical care when they need it.

Loneliness is common

In 2023 the US Surgeon General issued an advisory on loneliness and isolation, reporting that about half of American adults experience measurable loneliness. It is not limited to older people living alone. Young adults report high levels too.

Loneliness is also not the same as being alone. Some people live by themselves and feel well connected. Others are surrounded by people and still feel unseen. What matters is whether your relationships feel supportive and meaningful to you.

Small talk counts more than you think

Close friends matter most, but they are not the whole picture. In a 2014 study, researchers asked people to track their daily interactions, including brief ones with acquaintances such as classmates, coworkers and the person who makes their coffee. On days when people had more of these casual exchanges, they reported a greater sense of belonging and a better mood.

A separate experiment by the same researchers made the point more directly. People who were asked to have a short, genuine conversation with a barista left in a better mood than those who were asked to be as efficient as possible.

So the friendly chat with a neighbor is not nothing. It is a small dose of connection, and those add up.

Practical ways to build connection

Strong relationships are built through repeated contact over time. Like any habit, that is easier with a system than with good intentions.

• Make a standing plan. A weekly walk, a monthly dinner or a regular call is easier to keep than “we should get together sometime.”
• Reply to the message. When someone reaches out, answer within a day, even briefly. It keeps the thread alive.
• Join something built around an activity. Classes, sports leagues, choirs, volunteer groups and religious communities give you repeated contact with the same people without the pressure of making plans.
• Reach out first. Many people assume others are too busy or would not want to hear from them. Research on this suggests we underestimate how much people appreciate being contacted.
• Talk to the people you already see. Learn the names of neighbors and coworkers. Ask a real question and listen to the answer.

When it is more than loneliness

Loneliness and depression often feed each other. If you have felt persistently low, empty or hopeless for more than a couple of weeks, or have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, talk to a doctor or mental health professional.

If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, reach out right away. In the US, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In other countries, contact your local emergency number.

Your small step this week

Think of one person you have meant to catch up with. Send them a message today and suggest a specific time to talk or meet. A plan with a date on it is far more likely to happen.